


Desideratum

by Stingray



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Andy McNally/Sam Swarek, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 11:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4261515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stingray/pseuds/Stingray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What had started off as a quiet and serene midnight drive, had become a death fest. His family that he loved so dearly was cut in half and it was all because of some damn drunk bastard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desideratum

It was dark, the black night sky was littered with beautiful stars and the moon shone brightly. The only sounds were the gentle hum of the car engine and the soft warbling of the radio. It was comforting in the sense that the ride was peaceful and it brought back memories of different camping trips he and his family had gone on over the years. Nick smiled at the many happy thoughts before he slowly but surely felt himself dozing off, his mind drifting from reality to a calm, happy place inside his head. His eyes got heavy and it was late, and as much as he wanted to enjoy the rest of the ride, he let himself fall asleep. 

And then all of a sudden he was completely wide awake. The car jolted as some idiot of a drunk driver came and hit them. It seemed to happen in slow motion, the initial impact of the car, everything inside the vehicle starting to fly around as the car rolled and then landed upside down. What had started off as a quiet and serene midnight drive, had become a death fest. His family that he loved so dearly was cut in half and it was all because of some damn drunk bastard. There was blood everywhere and the people who he loved, they were dead. He watched in horror as the sticky, red substance flooded from his mom, dad, and brother's bodies. They didn't move, not even a little bit and as much as he wanted them to, they didn't open their eyes. Nick screamed for help, hoping that somebody would come and save his family, but no one came. He really just needed a night in shining armour, one who could see that he was in trouble and needed rescuing but it wasn't like all the books. There was no prince and he was alone in a car with his dead family and it was filling up with blood. He tried pushing the door open, shoving and screaming. The blood level rose higher, it began to cover his neck and then chin. He is was stuck and he couldn't get out.  
He couldn't breathe. 

Nick jolted awake, a muffled shout escaping his lips as shot up in bed. He was breathing heavily, his lungs working overtime to catch up with his head. He'd been having these damn nightmares for a couple of weeks now, each night without fail. He barely slept these days and when he did, it was fitful to say the least. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually slept through an entire night without waking up, and the thought of that scared him. All he wanted was one night where he could be fully relaxed, just one good, long, peaceful sleep, he needed it.  
Knowing he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, Nick slowly got up and out of bed. He decided he really needed a shower, and since he had nothing better to do at 4:03 in the morning, he walked over to the bathroom. It didn't take long to strip off his nightly attire of sweatpants and boxers, throwing them to the side before he turned the water on. After waiting for the spray to heat up, he stepped under it, letting the hot water run over his tired body, wishing that the water had the power to wash away his unwanted memories and messed up dreams.  
Nick sighed as he leaned against the wall of the shower, closing his eyes momentarily but then shooting them open again when vivid images from his nightmare popped back into his head. Nick was supposed to be the super tough army guy, strong and always caring for other people. But at the moment, he was fighting the overwhelming urge to cry. He didn't know if it was because he was frustrated, or maybe because the constant reliving of the same traumatizing thing was getting to him. He had no idea, but he wanted it to stop, he needed it to.

The moment he drove his car into the station parking lot was when he put up his strong front. There was a lot of people that he didn't want worrying about him, they all had enough on their plates. He stepped out of his car and began the walk over to the door, the time and energy that even that simple task took reminding him how tired he actually was and how great a bed would be. Andy fell in step with him, so he threw her a smile.

"Hey, Nick." She greeted brightly, giving him a playful punch in his shoulder.

"Oww." He grinned a little bit, "Nice to see you too."

Andy laughed happily, "I know right?"

"Totally." Nick agreed, holding the door open for Andy, "How're things going with Swarek?"

"Good, it's hard, but I guess I'm learning how to deal with it and make it work."

"I'm glad." Nick gave her a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder, saying a little goodbye as he headed off to the men's looker room.

When he got there, he couldn't help but sit down on the bench, closing his eyes for a moment as he rested his pounding head in his hands. He tried rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, hoping it might make him feel even just a little less tired, but at this point nothing seemed to be working. Nick sighed and stood up, heading over to his locker to retrieve his uniform. 

This was going to be a long day. 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"...Peck, you're with Price." Oliver announced from the front of the room. Gail groaned, dropping her head to rest on her arms which were crossed on the table. 

"McNally and Epstein, you're riding together today." He pointed to the duo who happened to be sitting next to each other. 

"Aaand Collins you're riding with Diaz." Oliver looked up at the crowd of young police officers in front of him, not being able to hold back the small smile which conveyed the pride he felt, "That will be all. Now go, save the world." He encouraged, motioning to the door with his outstretched arm.

Collins got up from his seat, glancing around, trying to find Chris amongst all the people. Luckily Chris came up to him, "Ready to go?" 

"Yep." Nick nodded his head, following Chris to the patrol car. 

"Can you drive?" Nick asked hopefully, knowing that it wouldn't exactly be safe for him to get behind the wheel just now, with him being so tired and all.

"Sure." Chris affirmed, curious as to why Nick didn't want to drive, but deciding not to question it.

As Chris pulled out of the station parking lot, Nick realized it was going to be really hard to stay awake. He couldn't help but feel relaxed as the gentle hum of the engine and the movement of the car as Chris weaved through traffic, broke down whatever was left of his will power. He let his eyes fall shut, enjoying the drive, before hastily opening them. Nick was on the job, lives depended on him and he couldn't just go to sleep whenever he felt like it. The few minutes that passed felt like hours, every second a struggle to stay awake. 

Chris pulled into a gas station, and Nick decided that maybe he could just rest his eyes for a minute. Chris took his time filling up the car with gas, not that it really needed any, but he figured he'd let Nick have a chance to catch a few minutes of sleep, he looked exhausted. He locked the car, and headed into the gas station, hoping they sold coffee.

The slam of the car door woke Nick, "Shit, how long was I asleep?"

Chris smiled, "Only for a minute." It was a lie, he'd actually just aimlessly walked around the store for a good twenty minutes before coming back out to the parked car, but Nick didn't need to know that. "Here." He offered Nick the large coffee he'd bought him, "You look like you need this."

"Ughh yes, thank you." Nick accepted appreciatively, eagerly taking a sip of the too hot liquid.

"So why are you so tired?" Chris tried as he pulled the car back onto the busy street, "New girl keeping you up?" He continued, feeling a pang of jealousy at the thought.

Nick shook his head,"Nah." 

"Drinking all night?" Chris guessed again.

"No," Nick laughed, taking another sip of his coffee,

"Don't tell me it's drugs."

"Nope." 

"Hmm." Chris found himself deep in thought, trying to figure out what was messing with Nick. "Is there someone bothering you or something?"

Nick shook his head, "No."

Chris glanced over, "Tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing Chris. Just drop it."

Although Chris said nothing, he found himself feeling a little confused that Nick didn't seem to trust him enough to tell him what the matter was. Chris knew better than to let it get to him, he was sure Nick had a good reason for not informing him, but he still couldn't help but feel like crap about it. He really wanted to help Nick. Every bone and muscle in his body instinctively went into protective mode, he didn't know why, it was just how he naturally reacted. What other way could you possibly respond when your best friend is so exhausted he's resorted sleeping on the job, something he would absolutely never even consider on a regular basis. The tired look in and around Nick's eyes were growing everyday.

As the day went on, not much changed. Nick felt tense, scared he would accidentally let information slip that would inform Chris about what was actually going on. He knew he needed to stay awake but he could start to feel the coffee wear off, dragging him back down to the dark. Every second that passed seemed to stretch itself out until it no longer looked like a small fraction of time, but rather a long moment in which Nick felt a roller coaster of emotion that he couldn't label. He felt drained not only physically but also mentally and it didn't feel like it would take much before all of the strong walls he'd built up crumbled.  
Chris began noticing that Nick was seeming more and more distant, the shine that always graced his bright eyes was now dulled and he couldn't help but wonder why. 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As Nick shut his locker, signalling the end of the tasking day, he let out a long sigh of relief. He was proud of himself, he'd made it through another day and to him, that in itself was a welcome accomplishment. Nick leaned his forehead against the door of locker, relishing in the feeling of the cool metal against his warm skin. He couldn't help but wonder how long he could keep up this ridiculous charade though. Surely not for too long, his body would probably shut down one of these days from the lack of sleep and with his luck it would be right in the middle of a shift. Lives were hanging in the balance, people depended on him and he wasn't stupid enough to simply brush that off. But then, what could he do? He was a tiny fish in a big lake, lost and tired of fighting the strong and unrelenting current.

"I'm driving you home." Chris said from behind Nick, leaning back against the lockers opposite the ones Nick was in front of, keeping his voice soft as to avoid startling the man.

Nick jumped a little, surprised by Chris' presence which he had somehow not sensed, "No, it's fine. I'm good to drive."

"Don't argue." Chris ordered in a quiet voice, "Just let me take you home."

"But I-" 

"Nick."

Nick took one look at Chris and realized he wasn't going to let it go.

"I- Fine."

"Good. Are you ready to go soon?" Chris asked, nodded his head towards the door.

"Yeah, I'm good to go."

The drive home was so dark and quiet that Nick found himself close to dozing off more than a couple times even though he was trying his best to stay awake. He only had to make it a couple more minutes before they would drive up to his apartment. Chris would drop him off and then he could drop into bed and sleep for a few ample hours before he had another night terror. Than he'd repeat the whole thing again tomorrow, just with the minor adjustment of probably not having the luxury of having someone drive him home. 

Chris soon parked his car in front of Nick's place. The hum of the engine creating subtle white noise, the gentle patter of raindrops on the windshield sounding oddly comforting as they sat in silence.

"Thanks for the ride." Nick spoke quietly.

Chris nodded, "No problem."

Nick shot a small smile in Chris' direction as he opened the car door and made his way over to his front door, feebly trying to protect himself from the buckets of rain that were falling from the sky. Chris was about to leave, when he noticed Nick had suddenly stopped in his tracks and after a moments hesitation, the latter walked back to the car. He knocked on Chris' window a couple of times, motioning for him to roll it down.

He was confused, but he complied. As soon as the window wasn't in their way any longer, Nick leaned closer, "Hey. Do y-you want to stay over tonight?" He stammered, obviously a little out of his comfort zone. "I just wouldn't want you to drive home in this weather and-"

"Sure." Chris interrupted, slowly turning his car off and pocketing his keys. It's not that he couldn't drive in the weather, in fact he'd driven in much worse and it was not a problem, but he wanted to use this opportunity to see if he could figure out what was going on with Nick.

They entered the warm apartment, kicking their shoes off and hanging up their dripping jackets. Nick headed over to the kitchen, grabbing a couple of beers, handing one to Chris.

"So, what's going on?" Chris inquired cautiously.

"I'm drinking beer."

"That's not what I meant." Chris affirmed, "And you know it."

Nick didn't say anything, just stared his beer, swirling the bottle a couple of times and watching as the liquid went around in circles.

"What's wrong, Nick?"

Nick shook his head, wanting to avoid the subject, "Nothing." 

Chris dropped it, waiting in silence as he studied Nick who was obviously deep in thought. The beers didn't take long to finish, and after the bottles were empty, Chris, noticing how tired his friend was, suggested they should go to bed. Nick agreed, he felt almost delirious, the lack of sleep making him feel like a zombie.

Nick set Chris up in the guest room which was just across the hall from his own bedroom.  
After they were both ready for bed, they parted ways, each going to their separate room. Crawling into bed, Nick found he couldn't sleep. It was frustrating, spending the whole day haunted by the feeling that he'd just fall asleep at any moment, then when he was actually allowed to do so, he couldn't relax.  
He felt tense, his muscles were rigid with anticipation. It was like his body had trained itself to react to his bed, the place where all his nightmares occurred, it was as if he instinctively went into defensive mode. It reminded him of the feeling he got when he was on the job, more particularly on a stakeout, sitting for hours on end, not falling asleep because he had to be ready for action at a moments notice.  
Nick sighed in annoyance, he couldn't believe he was still alive, there was no way in hell he'd survive like this. Nick decided to shut down that train of thought, it wasn't going in a pleasant direction, nothing was these days.

Except for Chris. He didn't know why his brain had chosen him as a muse for his thoughts, but he was oddly okay with it. He thought back to earlier in the day, how he had been obviously pretty observant when it came to Nick. His much appreciated gifts of coffee and energy drinks, how he intentionally let Nick have a couple of short rests here and there, it was probably the only thing that had gotten him through the day. Nick also recalled how he had invited Chris to stay over for the night and how ridiculous the invitation had been. He was glad that he'd done it though, and although he wasn't within sight, Chris definitely brought some kind of calming effect to Nick. The mere thought of Chris in general seemed to do something to him, though he couldn't pinpoint the feeling, it was definitely there.  
As Nick finally started to doze, his eyelids falling heavy and his breathing beginning to even out, all he could think was how excited he was for sleep to take him.

Chris woke with a start, the unexpected screams of terror a very horrifying thing to wake up to. He immediately jumped out of bed, not bothering to put anything over the boxers he'd stripped down to earlier. He looked over to the bedside clock, the glowing LED numbers showing 2:17AM.  
He quickly followed the sound of the yelling, confused when it led him across the hallway, in front of Nick's room. Chris's inner cop took over, flinging the door open and quickly looking around. He had expected there to be a robber or something along those lines, but when he walked in he seen Nick tossing around on his bed having what appeared to be a night terror. He quickly flicked on the lights, noticing the entire mattress was askew and almost all the sheets were on the floor, it was a scary thing to see, he could only imagine what was going on in Nick's head. Chris wasn't sure how to go about waking him up, but when another round of painful yells began he made a quick decision to grab Nick's shoulders to still him.

"Nick? Nick! Wake up!" Chris practically yelled, hoping Nick would hear the words over his own screaming.

Nick was lost in his dream, too lost, and no matter how firmly Chris held his shoulders he was still squirming like a fish out of water. Chris lifted a leg across Nick's body, settling himself down on his waist to try and hold him still.

"Nick!" Chris tried once more, this time more urgently. His words seemed to take effect as Nick's eyes shot open. Nick was having a hard time breathing, almost as if he was hyperventilating, and Chris could see the panic written on his face.

"Wha-" Nick started, then realized he wan't sure what he wanted to say.

"You okay?" Chris asked gently.

Nick hesitated for a moment, and took a deep breath, "I'd be better if these nightmares would stop."

"Wait. How long have you been having them?"

Nick shrugged, "Couple weeks."

Something finally clicked in Chris' head, that's why Nick had been so tired, it was all beginning to make sense.

"Oh." It was all he could think. What do you even say to someone who's been having nightmares every night for so long?

"Yeah. Well you should go back to bed, get some sleep." Nick suggested, motioning across the hall.

Chris shrugged, "What about you?" He asked, pulling his hands away from Nick's shoulders, letting them rest on his chest.

"I can't sleep after the nightmares." Nick said lowly, looking down sheepishly.

Chris shook his head, "Why didn't you tell me about all of this?"

"I didn't want to bother you with it." Nick confessed timidly.

"Nick." Chris said abruptly, "I'm so sorry."

"What?" He asked with surprise, "You have zero things to be sorry about, I should be the sorry one, I woke you up and-"

"No, it's not your fault, you can't control it." 

Nick let out a breath of air, "I know."

"Let's get you back to sleep." Chris suggested softly.

Nick nodded, doubtful that he'd actually sleep again, but the thought was nice. He couldn't help but wonder if tonight would be different, if maybe just this once he'd actually be able to go back to sleep, but he discarded the idea, it was ridiculous.

Chris got off of Nick, and after making Nick stay where he was, pushed the mattress back into it's place and tucked the blankets in their rightful spot.

"Alright, well you- I hope you sleep better." Chris spoke, his voice soft and comforting.

Nick nodded, "Me too.. And thanks."

A little smile flashed across Chris' lips, "Don't worry about it." 

Chris reluctantly began the walk back to his room, quickly looking back once to make sure Nick was alright. He was just about to go through the doorway and close the door of Nick's room when he heard Nick's voice. It was small and pained, but it was there and saying words that Chris never knew he wanted to hear. 

"Wait." 

Chris stopped in his tracks and looked back to Nick who was still sitting in bed, having a rather hard time piecing his words together.

"Can you stay here? Umm. With- with me?"

Chris thought for a moment, only needing a couple of seconds to decide he wanted to stay with Nick.

"I just don't want to be alone right now." Nick sighed, seeming to be struggling.

"Of course I'll stay." Chris interrupted nonchalantly, walking over to the king size bed and laying on the empty side.

"Thanks." Nick replied after a moment, sounding almost surprised.

"No problem." Chris turned his body to face Nick's, "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gingerly, both of them knowing he was talking about the nightmare.

Nick shook his head, "Not really."

"That's fine." Chris offered, reaching a hand out to rest on Nick's arm.

Something about the gesture made the last piece that was holding him together crack inside of him. He couldn't believe that Chris was doing something like this for him, and without realizing it, he had been really needing it.  
Chris shuffled closer, noticing the sudden change in his behaviour.

"There was this one time when I was little," Nick started, each word carefully thought out, "I was in the car with my parents and brother, and we got into an accident. A messy hit and run. My parents died. That's what my nightmares have been about."

Chris' grip on Nick tightened, he was kicking himself for not noticing what was going on with Nick, the tired demeanour and sleepy eyes should've told him more than words could have but he hadn't put two and two together. Looking back, it was obvious, and he didn't know how Nick managed to keep it a secret like that, but he had. Chris was disappointed in himself, he hadn't been there for his friend and that was unacceptable. He'd make it up to Nick somehow though, that was a promise.

"What was in your dream?"

Nick was silent for a few minutes and Chris didn't push it, but Nick pulled away and sat up, rubbing his hands across his face. "I-I can't- ... I-" He stammered, finding himself on the brink of a panic attack.

Chris sat up too, noticing the signs and getting ready.  
Nick shuttered as his eyes glazed over slightly, "I- the b-blood. So much blood." He choked out. Nick slowly let his walls break as tears gathered at the corners of his eyes.

"Hey. Shh, it's okay. Come here." Chris suggested, holding his arms out to Nick.

Nick turned to the comfort, moving himself closer to Chris and burying his face in his shoulder as small sobs wracked his body. It felt good to finally let out all the raw emotion out that he'd been bottling up for who knows how long.

He suddenly realized that somebody other than himself knew about the nightmares. It was a relief, he felt like a burden had been lifted off his shoulders but he was worried the weight would fall onto Chris. Nick admittedly felt pretty pathetic about the whole situation, here he was crying in the arms of one of his best friends when he should really be protecting Chris from this side of him. It wasn't something he should be bothering Chris with, but he couldn't help it. He was sick and tired of fighting this fight, it was a war he couldn't win by himself, he needed help. 

"You're safe. I'm right here. There's no more blood." Chris spoke as he soothingly rubbed circles on Nick's back. 

Nick gradually quieted down to a point where he actually had control of his emotions. He concentrated on Chris' hand moving in random patterns along his spine instead of the deeply grounded emotions that always seemed to surface after he had one of his nightmares.

Nick pulled away slightly and before he could stop himself, he went and planted his lips on Chris', kissing him passionately as he pushed him against the headboard. As cliché as it was, it was almost as if there were fireworks shooting above them as their lips moved in sync.

As soon as they broke apart, Nick started apologizing profusely, "Sorry, I-I- that was uncalled for, it won't happen aga-"

Then suddenly Chris flipped them and hovered over Nick, looking at him for a split second before leaning down and reuniting their lips once again. They kissed until they were out of breath and before they took things any further, Chris pulled away.

"That was amazing." Nick muttered, his hand cupping Chris' face.

"Agreed." Chris replied, not being able to resist another tiny kiss on the other man's mouth.  
They seemed to have an understanding between them that they'd discuss this later, but also, that this was a good thing. Right now though, Chris needed to make sure Nick didn't have another reason to stay awake.

Chris pulled Nick close to him, holding him gently and carefully, trying to convey everything he felt in that moment to Nick. Chris wanted to be the person Nick could trust, and he wanted to help him overcome whatever the hell was going on inside of his head. 

And Nick, to his surprise, noticed his eyelids start to grow heavy and he began to fill with a familiar hazy sensation, a sign that he was on his way to sleep, and he couldn't help but snuggle just a bit closer. He felt relaxed and sated, the happiness running through his veins as he fell into a heavy slumber.

It was only a few minutes later that Chris, judging by the breaths against his chest, realized Nick had fallen asleep. There was a sense of pride in that, being able to be the one to coax the seemingly sleepless man back to sleep. It was comfortable to have Nick lying there, safe in his arms and finally getting some rest. The sight, let alone the feeling of it, relaxed him and it wasn't long before he followed Nick into a deep sleep.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The two of them didn't wake up until the sun was just beginning to rise into the morning sky, the sound of one of their alarms filling their ears. Chris was the first to open his eyes. He was disoriented in the moment, not sure where he was until he felt a warm body in front of his. He quickly reached an arm over to the bedside table and shut the alarm off, not wanting to cut Nick's sleep short, he needed to cram as much in as he could before work.  
Nick, who's back was against Chris' stomach, shuffled a little, stretching as he woke up. Rays of golden sun slipped through the open blinds and settled across the entire room. 

"Next time I get to be big spoon." Nick whispered playfully, resting his hand on top of the arm Chris had wrapped around Nick as tight as a seatbelt. 

Chris laughed quietly, "It's only fair." He agreed.

Nick smiled for a moment, deep in thought. His demeanour turned serious, "Chris?"

"Mmm?" Chris mumbled, rubbing a thumb across the other mans shoulder.

"Thanks. It's been awhile since I slept like that." 

Chris gave Nick a little squeeze, "Glad I could help."

"Oh, you definitely helped." Nick chuckled, turning around in Chris' arms so he was facing him. "I think it was the kissing that really did it for me." He smirked.

"Well I'd be more than happy to help you out again later, like maybe my place after shift?"

"Can you handle the fact that I'm a walking emotional train wreck right now?"

"I can." Chris said without any hesitation, a smile creeping into his face.

Nick leaned forward and wiped the smile off Chris' face with a soft kiss, "I'm all yours."


End file.
